dizzy and confused... i dont know how to deal with everything.. all the normal stuff that all you deal with is soooo stressful to me.. i got sick to my stomach today. i am too stressed out... but why? i dont know... i just dont know. i have nightmares, i have distressing visions during meditation sesseions.. HOW DO YOU ALL DEAL WITH THIS?!

it is like a wave... a shower of emotions that i feel.. that i felt too, long ago.. it is all coming  back to me.. all at once and i have such trouble (when my alma isnt around) controlling my own emotions.. i cry for no reason for long periods of time, sometimes hours... i have my old urges again and it scares me so much (but i havent relapsed.. i want to be stronger than that)

i want so much. i want to have a career and i want to go back to school.. i want to own a condo or house with my love and live our lives.. maybe start a family.. go back to the martial arts.. become strong again...  i want to be proud of myself again. i want my honor back.

i feel like i am not ready for life, but it is here. i am getting ok with dealing with everyday stress better, though it isnt easy... but now i am having such horrible flashbacks. such horrible visions.. i hate it. i dont hate life, but i hate not being able to sleep properly. i hate feeling too much. i hate not controlling my leaky eyes...sucks
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just so you know, i love you all. i know i dont have many friends but those who read this... i loves ya and i hope you have love in your heart too. lets you know that you are alive it seems... i find it is hard to manage love, but it is more than worth it after the jitters goes away. *hugs you all*